Real Names For Your Fake People
Coming up with the perfect name for my characters is one of the most difficult parts of writing. I often use placeholder names. These are usually short and start with different letters of the alphabet so I don’t confuse myself. Ann is often chatting with Bob about Claire--then Dan shows up! With Eve!! Oh no, don’t tell... Fig. Huh.
When I am under the influence of an idea, I can’t waste time searching for the perfect moniker.
Ann and Bob and Claire will do all the hard work until I can come up with something better. The “find and replace” function is a wonder!
Part of my resistance to naming a new character is that I’ve lived my whole life meeting real people who have names. It feels wrong to put their names on my characters. The wrong name is like a damp wetsuit, bunching up in awkward places.
Marie? The Marie I knew in college was weird. Every Paul I’ve ever met was prematurely bald. I can’t name my villain Greg because then the Greg who I went on one date with might read it and think I’m obsessed with him after all these years.
Jan? Jane? Janelle? I knew a Janelle in Kindergarten. She was mean to me.
Then there’s the problem with last names. Last names should flow with the first name, but not sound too fake. Alliteration puts them in superheroes’ real identity territory. Peter Parker. Bruce Banner. Sue Storm. If you’re writing about real people, they need to sound like they exist in the world. (But if you are writing about fantastic people, they should have fantastic names.)
If you don’t want to worry about alienating people with names you may have once met, there is always fantasy or distant future fiction as an option. Those genres practically require weird names. Imagine reading about an elf named Sarah Fisher. Disbelief immediately unsuspended.
Obviously, if the elf is hot, they're “Sol” and if they are creepy looking but wise, they’re “Fig.” (Oh hey!)
I envy fantasy authors for their freedom to come up with weird character names, though I’m sure they have their own naming struggles. At the very least, the audiobook conversation must be awkward.
Audiobook Narrator: “Where are the vowels?”
Fantasy Author: “It’s not a vowel-based language that they speak. Just say the letter P followed by a slight retching that sounds like a question.”
Narrator: “Pifidiya? PuFyi-diya? Pjhfdhfa?”
Author: “That last one was nearly perfect. And he’s the main character, so get used to that sound.”
I just need good, solid names for my characters, so I can get back to writing their story. Is that too much to ask for?
Names that ring true. Not too pedestrian. Not too strange. Names that if you met them at a party, you’d accept without comment. Names that slide over the page like the rainbow on an oil spill. Like an unnecessary and redundant metaphor.
So when the story is starting to simmer, I go hunting. Specifically, I watch a movie. Stay with me.
I watch the credits for a movie.
Movie credits are lists of names. Real names of real people. Sometimes I mix and match first and last names. But often I’ll just take the whole name.
Here is are some of the makeup artists for the 1996 Michael Bay/Nicolas Cage action thriller “The Rock”:
Nina Kraft
Peter Robb-King
James Rohland
Kim Santantonio
Yolanda Toussieng
Chet Zar
C’mon, these are incredible. So much better than I could ever come up with on my own. I can already imagine the thrilling adventures of Chet Zar. Kim Santantonio had a rough childhood, sure, but she uses her trauma to track down the hundreds of people who go missing each year in the U.S. National Parks. James Rohland is the top litigator for his white glove Seattle firm by day, but by night she’s the Pink Room’s hottest aerial dancer, Yolanda Toussieng.
